Losing My Innocence
by leia105
Summary: Harry Potter is done being the hero. Will an unexpected love later on bring him back to being the golden boy or further away from the light?
1. Prologue

**Losing My Innocence **

**Rating**: R overall to protect myself although ratings will be done on a chapter by chapter basis

**Primary Pairing**: HP / SS

**Author's notes**: My goals are to begin and end this fan fiction and be proud of it, lol. Beginning isn't hard for me but finishing is. I want it to be a dark coming of age story about Harry. Comments are always welcome, although suggestions sometimes aren't. Thanks for giving me a chance. The prologue is written as a journal entry although the rest of the story won't be like this.

**Prologue**

Dear Journal,

The easiest thing I've ever wished for in life is death. It's also been the hardest to obtain. Not that I'm really trying to obtain it...I'm not sure anymore I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. Everything I once believed in and took as my cause now seems so pointless to me. That's right, your savior, your golden boy is done. He's sick of fighting your war and he's even come to the conclusion that Voldemort deserves to win.

You heard me! Voldemort deserves to win because he has the ambition to do so. You, all you muggles, all you wizards, you all put your faith and your trust in me. I was expected to do it all. You wanted me to fight him, me to kill him, and you wanted me to sacrifice my life. Maybe I'm selfish for choosing this path of non-commitment but I don't care. I deserve to have a life and if you truly don't want to see the wizarding world cast in shadows, in hate, and in pure bloods then you'll do your duty as I have done mine. My sacrifice ends here and now though so I suggest you begin making a new plan.

I haven't been back to school yet since Sirius' death. Nobody knows in the wizarding world yet that I'm done being the defender. I can predict all of their reactions now: Hermione will be sure that I'm just angry and that I'll get over it, Dumbledore will interject his happy philosophy upon me and try to get me to change my mind, and Snape....the Potions teacher I once thought of as ignorant will be cheering, because he'll know that I finally know what he knows: There's only so much hope one person can have.

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I don't need their sympathy, I don't need them fawning over me like I'm this wounded animal that can't take care of itself, and I don't need to hear how they all need me to save them from Voldemort. I don't need the wizarding world to justify my life anymore. And so now journal, I ask you, what will the wizarding world do without its savior? More importantly, what will I do now that I've forsaken all of it? What type of person will I be?

I don't know, I don't care to find out, I give up! Damn the Dursleys for wanting me to go, Damn Hogwarts for trying to keep me back from just living my life like any other normal student, and damn my anger and the scars I need to get through the day.

Damn it bloody all!


	2. This Is Home?

**Title:** Losing My Innocence

**Pairing:** HP / SS

**Chapter Rating:** G, nothing serious

**Author's notes:** Go easy, I'm really trying to set you into Harry's mindset before I get knee deep in plot, lol. Thank you though to my first reviewer who was so kind. I never thought of angst as cute but I guess it was in a way. I've come to the conclusion that there will be more journal entries in the future now, lol.

**This Is Home?**

The Dursleys had been smiling with happiness the entire way to the train station. They were finally getting rid of their "abnormality" which would allow them to go back to being their self deceiving perfectly "normal" and nasty self's. They no longer had to worry about him exposing their past or putting their family in danger. Not that he had caused them any trouble this holiday. In fact, it was this lack of trouble he theorized that had irritated them so much. It had forced them to be more creative when attempting to find a reason to punish him for something.

"Got your bloody owl? Good, now get out."

He had barely managed to make it out of the car before his uncle hit the gas leaving him alone with his stuff. Lousy good for nothings...they hadn't even waited for him to get a trolley to put his stuff on. They hadn't even waited to laugh at him as usual for insisting there was a platform nine and three quarters. It shouldn't have mattered but it did matter and it angered him. They owed him...they owed him a family and he was tempted to do something rash to calm his anger.

Instead he took a deep breath and began gathering his stuff onto a nearby trolley. Hedwig had cocked her head and she was looking at him intensely. It was as if she knew the change that had been occurring in him since Sirius' death. Of course she knew...she had been the only one who had seen how it destroyed the very essence of his being. She had been the only one to catch every tear he shed and he reached through the bars of the cage to gently stroke at her soft snowy wings.

"I'm alright...bunch of bloody gits is what they are...give muggles everywhere a bad name." He muttered the words.

"Who's a bunch of bloody gits?"

Harry turned to see his friend Ron there along with Ron's sister Ginny and his other friend Hermione. Great, he was going to be tackled at once by all of them. At least Ginny no longer had her silly crush on him. Well, he didn't think she did every now and then though she seemed a bit too friendly for his likes. Then again, everyone was too friendly lately for his likes.

"Take a guess."

"It must be simply awful to stay with them but cheer up, Harry. You have us now....how have you been?"

Before he could answer Hermione had her arms tightly wrapped around him. How had he been? Nothing but miserable, hurt, aching, lonely, depressed, and at times on the verge of suicide. How could they have shielded him so effectively in the past from anything and everything and now they couldn't even ask a single question without annoying him? He patted her back once very awkwardly before pulling away from the hug.

"Fine, just tired."

Hermione accepted the answer which was more than he had expected. The expressions on their faces gave away their true thoughts though. He could read them as easily as he could read the bright gold letters shining on the side of the Hogwarts Express after they passed through the barrier. To them it all had to do with Sirius. Of course, they thought he was sill hurting and they were going to see him through it. Sirius' death was always going to hurt because it had been his last chance at true family and it had been his only chance to straighten out his life.

How could they think though that it all had to do with Sirius? Were they so simple minded to think that months of Umbridge's abuse upon him hadn't caused him any pain? That everything was made better thanks to their stupid attempt at an army? He was silently loading his bags onto the train. They were being more silent than he would have expected and he shook his head a bit trying to clear the fog that he thought must have came over his mind.

"Harry?" Hermione's voice

"Hmmm?"

"You aren't paying attention are you?"

"Of course I am." Liar...

"I asked if you wanted us to go get a compartment and you didn't answer."

"Of course I did...you must not have heard me. Yeah, go get one."

Hermione looked quite offended for a moment and ready to protest that he most certainly had not answered before Ron put a hand on her shoulder. The action was quite intimate for Ron. Quite intimate for their little group come to think about it. Great, they were together weren't they? Why else would they have arrived at the exact same time and why else would Ron be acting so damn friendly towards her? Great, he was going to have to pretend he was happy for them.

He was thankful when they finally walked off and he let a long sigh leave him. He wasn't even to Hogwarts yet and he was having fits. There was no way he was going to be able to survive in a dorm room with other Gryffindors. They'd all be watching him and noticing every single thing he did. Maybe he could ask Dumbledore for a private room. The thought slightly sickened him...he'd only get it because of his name and that stupid fame but maybe for once he needed to use everything to his own advantage.

"Thinking about something Potter?"

"Sod off Malfoy!"

He made sure that was the end of that by getting on the train and finding Ron and Hermione's compartment. They had been huddled together quite closely when he had walked in and they had been holding hands. If he kept this intuition up he could replace Trelawney in her job. They both looked embarrassed but it served them right.

"Harry..." Ron's voice this time about to give an explanation.

"It's fine. Congrats..."

His voice had been hard and the next few minutes of the trip passed in silence. Ron and Hermione had tried to draw him into a number of different conversations everything from his summer, to Quidditch, to plans to visit Hogsmede, and to Sirius with no response. Finally they all ended up in silence which was probably the best avenue. He appreciated it anyway...although Ron and Hermione looked like they would have felt better with a distraction such as Malfoy's crew.

"Harry. You know. We all miss Sirius..." Wonderful Hermione, reopen the wounds why don't you?

"This isn't about Sirius!"

"So what is it about?"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"You don't have to shout at her Harry, she's just concerned about you mate and so am I"

"Well end it will you? I'm fine!"

With that he left the compartment with a groan. This year wasn't going to be easy and thankfully he managed to spend the rest of the trip in a compartment with Neville and a few others who were so dense that they just kept talking and as long as he nodded or interjected something every now and then they left him alone. He skipped the feast wanting to continue to avoid Ron and Hermione. His bed was much more comfy anyway and he had been hoping to fall fast asleep with exhaustion from the day.

No, sleep would have been too nice. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Sirius in his mind. He could see Voldemort smirking and Lestrange's triumphant smirk as she murdered another innocent. A hot tear were beginning to go down his cheek and in an instant Hedwig was by his side. He didn't have the strength to do it tonight. He deserved it but the strength wasn't there and so he settled himself to stroking her wings for a while until she took off to the owlery. A bit later the door opened and when he recognized Ron's voice he made sure to turn and quickly shut his eyes again.

He had a list of things to do tomorrow which were going to make the situation worse and isolate him more. The first was to quit Quidditch. He'd be lucky if he ever had friends again after that but friends didn't matter at this point to him. Nothing mattered except surviving one more day and telling himself everything would be okay.

Not that he believed himself and he sighed as the image of Sirius and others came into his head again. Ironic wasn't it? They were dead and gone unable to live their life's and he was still alive acting as if he was dead. He was dead though on the inside so it wasn't a complete sham. Absolutely dead and he was sure tomorrow during his first potions lessons Snape would take great pleasure in exposing and rubbing salt onto as many wounds as possible.


	3. Why Can't I Pierce My Heart Directly?

**Title:**: Losing My Innocence

**Pairing:**: HP / SS

**Author's Notes:** Thank you to the reviewers who have been BEYOND kind, lol. Seriously, I'm blushing, I didn't think it was all that good, yay everyone liking the journal ideas and yes I am going to try to make the chapters longer and more detailed, just for you, lol, you know who you are: P. Please everyone R/R and I hope this chapter is better than I think

**Why Can't I Pierce My Heart Directly?**

He groaned knowing that he had woken up far earlier than he would have liked to on the first day back. His head was throbbing and he threw off the covers looking over at Ron's bed. The loud sound of snoring coming from his red haired friend made him wonder how he had managed to get any sleep at all. Usually Ron had the decency to throw up a silencing charm. It made him wonder if the whole Weasley clan snored like that without silencing charms up.

He shook his head and half awakingly stumbled into the bathroom beginning to get ready. He looked like an absolute mess not that he normally looked like anything else. He could see two dark circles underneath his eyes and if that wasn't enough he knew the lack of life in his eyes truly showed how exhausted he felt right now with life. He turned on the tap water and attempted to get his hair to become somewhat flattened. After a while he decided to give up the fight.

He had been considering maybe getting some magical hair styling products but the thought of becoming as vain as Gilderoy Lockhart kept him from it. Oh well, if anything the hair was fitting to how he was feeling. A long sigh left him as he stared at his reflection. Today was going to be beyond hard and there was no escaping it. He didn't want to leave the bathroom or face the day. The day was going to be unbelievably hard and he was going to get screwed because of it as usual.

He didn't want to face Ron and Hermione and try to get them to understand how he felt. He didn't want to have to feel Dumbledore and the staff's eyes upon him watching him like a hawk. They would all be concerned for him just because he wasn't satisfied with being what he was at the moment. It wasn't their business! It wasn't anybody's business! And he bit his lower lip roughly. What was wrong with him anymore? His emotions were as out of control as Hermione's usually were. He was tempted to break down and begin sobbing right there. A knock on the door though brought him out of his thoughts and away from the urge to cry.

"I'm in here!" He snapped it quickly without thought.

"Yeah, I know....Harry, I'm sorry about yesterday. Mione and I wanted to know if you wanted to walk down to the Great Hall with us"

Pity...that's all it was anymore. They didn't want him around because he was their friend, no; they wanted him around because as a friend they were obligated to keep him around. He wasn't even a good person or a good friend anymore. A good friend would be happy that they had finally admitted their attractions to one another. A good friend wouldn't be trying to selfishly keep onto something that no longer existed.

"Its fine, I'm not hungry and I have stuff to do. Unpacking I was too tired to do last night. You two go on without me"

He knew Ron was still outside the door whispering to somebody else in hushed tones and it came as a relief to him when they finally left. He had no intentions of going down to eat breakfast with them. In fact, he didn't have any intentions with being around them very much at all although it was probably inevitable in classes. He leaned over the sink for a moment splashing more water over his face. His reflection still showed an exhausted person but at least he had tried.

Damn it! Why did everything have to hold false hope like this? First the Dursleys were worse than Hogwarts and now to him the Dursleys seemed better than Hogwarts. At least they didn't stalk his every move; at least they didn't make a big deal out of his name or what he had done. Everyone acted like his only life was fighting Voldemort and doing pointless things. Children! All of them, when would they discover there were much much more important things in life?

A voice in the back of his head whispered the answer to him and he was forced to nod in agreement. They'd all understand when he was no longer their savior and when Voldemort chose to attack. They'd understand because it'd be written in crimson streams of blood and in the bodies of "mud bloods" that would be impaled everywhere you turned. A shiver ran down his spine as he fished a small razor blade out of his pocket.

He wasn't evil Dumbledore had told him that numerous times. That evil was a free choice and since he had chosen not to be put in Slytherin he had in effect chose the choice to be good but that wasn't completely true was it? How could someone be completely innocent with their mind and their thoughts being so connected to someone whose middle name is Evil? There were times where he understood Voldemort's actions better than he understood his own and he shook his head looking down at the razor blade.

He had never been a serious cutter. No, he didn't have a problem with it like some people. Every now and then it helped though just to make one little cut. Just enough for a few drops of blood to come out. He had found himself doing it over the summer in Aunt Petunia's flowers praying that somehow the drops of blood he shed made up for the fact that he hadn't been able to save Sirius. It wasn't completely his fault but it was in a way. Brashness and arrogance once again, you really did make Snape proud that time didn't you?

He shook his head wiping away a tear that fell down his cheek angrily. He couldn't do it in here there was too much of a risk but the grounds would be perfect. Just a few drops and then he might be better for a few days. He might be able to get one night's worth of sleep where Sirius didn't plague him. He put the razor back into his pocket and after getting dressed he began walking down the moving staircases heading towards the doors that lead out to the grounds.

"MR.POTTER!"

He froze at the sound of that voice. Great, as if he wasn't in a bad enough mood this morning Dumbledore and the others had sent a search party after him and he highly doubted the man who had called out his name had volunteered to be that search party. Great, that meant he was in a good mood and he turned to meet the hardened black eyes that were staring into his.

"Yes, Professor?"

He knew his voice had to sound strained but Snape was the last person he was interested in seeing at the minute. In fact, Snape was the last person he was interested in seeing anytime anywhere. Sniveling, Snickering, and sadistic bastard....

"The headmaster would like to see you later after lunch in his office. I suggest you not be late and that you do your normal Gryffindor attempt at best to stay out of trouble. Also, he wanted me to give you this."

He slowly took the paper out of Snape's hand looking down at it. Great, his schedule for the semesters and it included Potions with Snape first thing in the morning paired with the Slytherins as usual. His disgust must have shown on his face because he was very aware of a glint that had developed in Professor Snape's eyes.

"Yes, what a pity it would be if you didn't show up to class. You know, Mr. Potter it doesn't escape my memory that in the past you've never been able to get to my class on time. One can only wonder how late you'll be now that you have to get up early."

With that he watched as Snape turned and stalked back to the Great Hall in his usual snaky way. He was still staring down at the list of classes in his hand. It really wasn't that bad all things considered. He was sure right now Hermione was lecturing Ron away on how important this year was to their education. It really wasn't important anymore to him all it meant now was that there was only one more year to freedom. Yes, that was a happy thought: only one more year until he could disappear from Hogwarts and stop feeling like everyone was watching him.

He sighed softly. He couldn't even remember now what he had been planning to do. He just knew he didn't want to go to breakfast and so he opted for the kitchens instead. The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur to him of being snapped at by Snape and classes that he really couldn't muster the interest in anymore. Ron and Hermione had tried to talk to him again for a bit before giving up. He could hear them whispering sometimes ahead of him though when he fell back. Their words of optimism angered him. They still thought it was all about Sirius, he had no idea when they would wake up and realize there was something much deeper and darker taking place within him than the loss of a loved one.

He decided only to eat a bit at lunch and he finally talked to them to get them to shut up. He wasn't even sure what they had talked about but he felt nervous as he ascended the stairs to the headmaster's office. If anybody knew how to read him: It was Dumbledore. Dumbledore had a talent for reading everyone and being summoned by him couldn't be good.

"Ah, Harry!! Splendid, I see then that Professor Snape gave you my request. Please, sit....tea? Gummy Worms? Marshmallow Peeps? They're my newest discovery and to imagine all the shapes and colors they come in!"

He walked over to the chair offered as the door automatically closed behind him.

"No Thanks Headmaster....was there something you wanted to see me about?"

"Just wanted to check up on you Harry, see how you've been taking everything. We missed you at the start of the year's feast. I also wanted to tell you that Sirius was a great person and that I know where ever he is he's missing you as much as you're missing him. These things happen....with that said, is there anything you wish to tell me?"

He shuddered at those words. These things happened...like the loss of a person could just be explained away. He wanted to say that Sirius' death was his fault, that he didn't know who he was anymore, and that maybe he understood Voldemort more now than ever before because he felt like he was turning into him. He mutely shook his head though his hand reaching into his pocket and fingering the blade that he had forgotten about being there.

"Very well then....You may go"

He couldn't make it out of the office fast enough and he pulled out his schedule again. Transfiguration....he really couldn't take telling McGonagall about his Quidditch decision. Not now....not after that conversation and so while everyone else went to their classes and did what they were supposed to do Harry went off to do the only thing he felt he could.

He went up to his room and he danced with death. He entertained himself by gently trailing the blade lightly against his skin. Not hard enough to break the flesh for the moment. He didn't need the relief of blood...No; he needed to fancy that it helped ease his pain and that the blade represented his sacrifice for Sirius.

The hot tears came again as they always did and he let his eyes shut. He could see his father and mother looking at him in disappointment, he could see Sirius falling as Lestrange took her best shot, he could see himself next to Voldemort's side, and he could see himself looking into a mirror only it wasn't his reflection he saw it was the reflection of Voldemort. He let his eyes shoot open as he gave up his struggle and let the blade pierce into his flesh.

A few drops of crimson beginning to hit the ground. He had to get better control of his emotions. He had to get to the point where they wouldn't expect anything was wrong. He had to learn how to attempt to live until he felt ready for death and he had no idea on how to go about it. He weakly forced himself up and began to rinse off the blade watching the blood go down the drain. The blood that he knew was for Sirius, for his parents, for his innocence, and for his shame.

The small wound had stopped bleeding by now but he felt dizzy like he had lost more than he thought and he forced himself under the covers. Tomorrow would be better, tomorrow he'd have the strength, and starting tomorrow he'd show the others the Harry he felt like now.


End file.
